Sunday shorts: Quietude

These are strange times.

Red and gold baubles dangle off trees, and lights twinkle in windows and shimmer along the eavestrough, but the glee that usually precedes the holidays remains unseen. Unfelt.

Life appears to be on hold; absent is the usual air of excitement and anticipation that arrives right around this time.

Is it me?

“November is horrible; it always is. We just need to survive the longer nights and make it to Christmas”, said my neighbour as we jointly walked our dogs.

Is it depression?

“It’s not; everyone’s in a funk, and a lot is going on,” noted my therapist as she adjusted her oversized tortoise-shell frames.

Is this perimenopause?

“No. But people feel this way when they don’t get as much daylight,” replied the family doctor.

Is it the bewildering state of the world, a handful of wars and genocides here and there, abnormal climates, and the economic and political spirals?

Not entirely. The overwhelming majority of people have lived through such events before— to varying degrees, though it remains difficult for some to accept that we’re collectively in the dark ages again.

It could be the dissonance that comes from hearing we’re “back to normal”, like in the before times, while living through a reality where nothing is how it was before the pandemic. Resilient we may be, unburdened, we are not. The shattered social bonds remain in plain view: widening divides, hostile discords, and starving populations at a time of unparalleled abundance. The vestiges of those better times seem visible only to those who can’t or won’t see the desolation. And maybe that’s why the months drag on, the fog persists, and emptiness wraps itself under the decorated trees.

I’ve resolved to embrace the quietude that comes with this time; I feel not despair but the weight of inordinate darkness and accompanying silence. I light candles when soft lighting suffices, bring the outside in to line the mantle with pinecones and cedar branches, and cook stews over hours to infuse the house with the scent of spices and the promise of warmth.