Sunday shorts: Imagined Customer Reviews

Some of you out there are completely out to lunch, and it shows

I was researching places to stay and dine for an upcoming trip and came across several reviews that made me question the reasoning abilities of those leaving them.

In the spirit of levity and as a way to procrastinate on the delivery of a heavy piece I’ve been working on, I’ve written a few absurdist reviews to use should the occasion arise.

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3/5 Not enough napkins provided. This is a place that serves chicken wings. You need a napkin for each pair of wings. Basic finger math.

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2/5 Food was great, but there is no parking on site. You have to park on a side street. I don’t care if it’s a beach bar, make spaces!

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5/5 If it weren’t for their overuse of garlic, I wouldn’t have known that my date was one of the immortals.

Will avoid the blood sausage in future.

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4/5 Had cheese in the deserts section. Menus need to be profed before their printed.

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3/5 It would be a 2.5 if half a star was an option. For a place that prides itself on spices, they witheld the cardamom.

The lamb could have used more cardamom. The Dauphinoise could have used more cardamom. The rice pudding could have used more cardamom. Has cardamom ever ruined anything? The answer is no. It’s stuck around since the second century for a reason. More. Cardamom.

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1/5 The bathroom didn’t have a window.

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2/5 Was going to propose, but the violinist was off sick tonight. Ruined my whole life. Crab cake was good.

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2/5 I asked for water. They asked if I’d like it flat. How do you drink that? Asked these hipsters for a glass.

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1/5 Everything was amazing! The food, the service, the ambience. I will come back again to award them another star.

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2/5 Succulent on the table needs TLC. Couldn’t focus on brunch.

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3/5 Nice presentation, good service. Couldn’t taste the heirloom tomato.

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5/5 Excellent potatoes, thank you chef Julienne.

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2/5 Wanted to make my gf happy and take her someplace cool. Asked for charcuterie board. They didn’t have it.

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1/5 I didn’t know you could have food walking around in a tank before selecting it. I felt really uncomfortable so we left. At least with burger joints you don’t have to go out back to meet the cow and watch it trot.

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2/5 The menu is too small. Only five mains to pick from. Not very creative. Good luck staying in business.

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2/5 The menu is too long. Fifty mains to choose from. Not very cost-effective. Good luck staying in business.

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3/5 Wonderful risotto and excellent wine selection. They don’t have tap enabled. I had to find the card then actually remember the PIN. Left 8%. Do better.

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1/5 Worst coffee shop ever. The servers aren’t even hot.

Response from owner: Sir, this is a library.